Letting Go (for the i-dont-know-how-many time)

It's really time to let go..
Though i thought we can be normal/good friends..
We both still have feelings for each other..
and me for once, can't handle it..
i'm jealous..

i'm super jealous to be exact..
Hishh tak boleh la..
when he talks about his wife..
when he said he's going to Johor..
when he said he wish i can be his 2nd wife one day..
then something inside me snapped..
oh NO NO NO..
this is NOT HAPPENING!!!
I pray to Allah to pls not let this happen..
Tuhan tolong bimbing aku keluar dari jalan kesesatan ini..
tolong kuatkan hati utk melawan nafsu ini..

but i don't know how to do it.
ignore him completely?
still text him?
i don't know..
i really don't know..
i wish i can run away to Ipoh and stay there forever..
or i wish someone would take my hand, marry me, and bring me somewhere out of KL..
like penang ke..
not Johor, not KL..definitely not KL..

Argh!
Why it is so hard to wave goodbye??

All i want to say to him is..

I want to end this for good. Please respect my decision and don't text me..

But...
i've said my goodbyes so many times..
i've put down my white flags so many times..
still he came back..
still my heart dokidoki for him..

Maybe i don't pray hard enough..
Maybe i have not asked hard enough..

But O Allah..
This is my only intention..
to let him go..
pls let my jodoh be someone else..
i don't want to break a relationship..
especially a marriage..

Please Ya Allah..Please help your weak servant..